After my fleeting romance with a sickly rock dove named Ryouta, who I met through Hatoful Boyfriend (ending at his sickly demise), I decided to try my luck with a different species, a human. Can you imagine such a thing? The scandal has made things difficult to say the least. I, Papa Squatts, moved into a cul-de-sac with my awesome daughter Amanda where I met lots of other single dads that also live there, very convenient and very exciting. I quickly narrowed down my favourites: Robert (the bad dad), Joseph (the good dad) and Craig (the fit dad – fit as in ooh lala you so handsome and gym 24 hours a day fit. Even my mum said she fancied this one – until she saw the baby strapped to his chest – so you know he’s good).
I went on a couple of dates with all of them, sparking lovely little moments like this one:
And this one…
Joseph ended up winning me over, mainly because of his wife to be honest, she’s a dick and while I was on my date with Robert she tags along and flirts with everything male in the bar so I felt like Joseph needed to be saved from this 2-dimensional Jezebel.
That’s how our relationship may have started (well that and making brownies, that was fun although I did kinda want real brownies afterwards…) but on our second date I was overcome with how sweet he was. We did some dad dancing to spice up the empty dance floor at the youth club dance, finishing off with the move from Dirty Dancing, and then he showed me a surprise Margaritaville he’d set up in the church office just for me where we sat in deck chairs, sipped margaritas and chatted about things. It was so lovely. Here’s a little photo album of our best moments… JOSEPH STORY LINE SPOILERS
After this, my dear readers, we made tender (though censored) love down in the cabin of his yacht (you don’t see anything, it’s all dark screen, very PG). I thought everything was going brilliantly, he’d broken up with Mary… Everything was awesome… Until it wasn’t.
Maybe you noticed how some of those pictures had tear stains and ice cream smudges all over them, hold on to your hats because here comes the emotional epilogue…
I couldn’t believe it, what had I done wrong? Could it be that our last date only getting ranked as a ‘B’ meant that things didn’t work out? I was so heartbroken and upset, I can’t believe Joseph would do that to me after all we’d been through. I sat and ate some ice cream alone for a while then Amanda came up and made me feel better. Instead of ending up with a boyfriend I got the World’s Best Dad Achievement.
Amanda is so great, and I’m not just saying that because she made me feel better at the end of the game (Aha! Yes, t’was a game this whole time!) She radiates cool and your relationship is something akin to Rory and Lorelei in Gilmore Girls (if Lorelei was a man) so there’s loads of playful banter between you but also parental responsibilities that, as a single father, you try to handle as best as you can.
In case you hadn’t guessed after that emotional rollercoaster, this is my of course Dream Daddy, a dad dating simulator game but don’t let that kinda creepy description put you off, this game is amazing. I haven’t laughed so much while playing a game (well I’ve laughed at games but not with them, this one is a laugh with game) since I played Portal. It is so well written and genuinely funny. Long term Tea Party readers might be thinking I’m a little biased because I’m a big Game Grumps fan (they created it) but honestly it’s nothing to do with that, it’s just a really good game. The premise is that you move into a dad-populated cul-de-sac with your daughter Amanda, You then meet all the dads that live conveniently close to you in the cul-de-sac and make friends, they add you on Dadbook (a cross between Tinder and Facebook I guess) and through that you can choose who to go on a date with. It sounds kind of weird and lame but trust me, it’s great.
So aside from my wonderful whirlwind romance with Joseph what else is great about this game? Well, considering everything is described to you in text and you don’t really see any animation other than characters’ facial features and stances changing, or the shower of hearts and aubergine emojis that appear when you do something that another dad likes (seriously), it’s surprisingly easy to picture what is happening and get immersed in the story. I can almost imagine this game coming out as a book. The jokes are great and all the characters are likeable, except some of the kids, I even actually kind of like Mary, Joseph’s bitchy wife (ashamed as I am to admit this I literally just got the ‘Mary and Joseph’ thing as I was typing this. Eurgh. And their kids’ names are all variations of Chris… As in Christ… Euuurrrghhh.) She has a dark sense of humour which I kind of like and I think she’d be fun on a night out.
Your daughter Amanda is a brilliant character too. Her personality really comes through and the voice actress for her deserves a medal or something because a lot of that is thanks to her – she manages to bring Amanda to life with minimal voice acting, but it adds so much. I want to be friends with Amanda, she’s awesome. We had some great times through the bad and the good, including some surprisingly sweet, sincere advice from your own character to your daughter having a tough time.
So to cap off this amazing game, Joseph had to get one last jab in didn’t he… Arse. If he thinks I’m going to pursue him in my next playthrough then he is 100% wrong, that ship has sailed Joseph (or yacht, like the yacht we hung out on that one time… Where you said you *sniff* liked me… And we… *sobs uncontrollably*). Maybe Robert will have me back in my next game…