General Gaming · Rants

A Platform For My Game Shame

On a rare train journey up to London a couple of weeks ago I decided to spend my time travelling playing a couple of Mario games on my 3DS. Here’s a bit of a gamer confession: I suck at Mario games. Yeah, Mario is one of my least played franchises despite numerous attempts to get into it. Actually, let me be a bit clearer there: traditional Mario games (aka platformers) are the least played games I own but I love Super Mario Galaxy, Mario Kart, and I really want to play Super Mario Odyssey. Why do I suck at Mario games? Well, to tell you the truth I don’t know, I just do, I’m simply terrible at platformer games. TERRIBLE.

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If this was me playing, I would end this jump by landing directly in front of the Goomba, rather than on it, and die

You know when you get someone that has never touched a video game before in their life to play something and you start out thinking “this will be awesome, it’s not that hard, they’ll get to grips with it and we can play stuff together”. Then you see them wandering in the wrong direction even though there’s a huge arrow pointing the other way, dying over and over at the easiest points, having to peer at the buttons whenever they want to do something even though they’ve been playing now for an hour… Your smile begins to fade and you experience a horrible sense of dread as it slowly dawns on you that they’re not going to get better and you are now stuck here until they get bored – which might not be for a long time – because you’re too polite to tell them that watching them play is like watching someone punch themselves in the face over and over again and then ask you why their nose is hurting. This monster has now destroyed a game you love with their inexplicably clumsy, inexperienced noob hands and you regret everything… That is how I feel about myself when I play platformers, especially Mario ones because everyone loves them so bloody much. I have an out of body experience where I feel like I am the non-gamer being taught how to play something by a friend and constantly messing up, then I get embarrassed by myself, even though no one is watching me, so I rage quit and sulk.

Do you know how far I got playing Super Mario Bros on my DS before I ran out of lives and had to start everything over? I got to the third level of the first world. Oh, and I actually died in the first level trying to get more lives, the first level where you can just become huge and just plough through everything. I didn’t know it was possible to die on that level. Do you even know how hard it is for me to admit that? I had to sit in silence for a little while, with my head in my hands wondering why the gaming gods had forsaken me. I was sat on the train at the time and that is not the best place for me to rage over a game as I usually just spew swear words at the screen like there’s no tomorrow, so instead I had to settle for taking some deep breaths and very loud, angry exhales which prompted a few worried looks from fellow passengers.

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This game is pure evil

To add insult to injury my other half got his old PS1 out (which I have never played on before) and tried to get me into some games on that. He then watched in dismay and horror, his face morphing into a twisted representation of repulsion and fascination, as his so-called “gamer-girlfriend” just walked into enemies and fell down the smallest jumps. I tried out Resident Evil 2 (which I know isn’t a platformer but it has that very linear running around thing) and died almost instantly by just walking into several zombies. I put this down to the camera angles constantly changing throwing me off and thought I’d gotten away with it but then I tried a Mickey Mouse game (this one was a platformer) and it was almost like I was trying to play badly. An enemy would appear and I’d just run straight at them, propelled forward by misjudgement and stupidity, and die.

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‘Sup guys, don’t mind me, just trying to run through… Please don’t eat me

I don’t know why I have been cursed with this affliction. Could it be my modest childhood where I was owner to just a Gameboy Color, Gamecube and PC, limiting my exposure to Playstation and Xbox? Woe is me. Maybe I suffer from Platformeritis, a well-known disease that affects 1 in 10 gamers. It causes bad 2D coordination and makes you constantly underestimate how far away things are making sufferers particularly terrible at platformers. Perhaps our Gaming Lord Mario is displeased with the lack of time I spend playing his games and has decided to curse me, I should sacrifice a Sonic game to him just to make sure.

I guess it doesn’t matter at the end of the day, we all know Princess Peach and Bowser truly belong together, she’s just too nice to break up with Mario. I’m doing Mario a favour really.

Are there any game genres you struggle with? Let me know in the comments and we’ll commiserate together.

39 thoughts on “A Platform For My Game Shame

  1. I have to join you in suffering Platformeritis, although it appears to be an affliction I have recently developed. As a child, I happily played through many platformers but recently I got Crash Bandicoot N. Sane Trilogy and I’m actually stuck on the last level of the first island in Crash Bandicoot. No matter how many times I play through the level, I just end up dying, my younger self would be so ashamed…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. There’s a lot of games I played as a child that I just can’t get the hang of now actually! I played Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets on Gamecube in a bout of nostalgia a while ago and couldn’t believe how difficult it was! Although that isn’t a platformer… At least our younger selves will never know

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you for writing this – it’s like you read my mind!

    I am awful at 2D Mario games (I’m a Sega kid) and cannot play them. I’m ok at SMB1 thanks to years of practice, but SMB3…I die at the first Bowser level.

    People rave about SMB3 and I smile and nod. I know it’s an amazing game, but I can’t discuss it…and I can’t explain why either. It’s my gaming shame…

    I know the ‘non gamer’s pain too. Watching my wife try and play Sonic many years ago made me stop trying to get her to play games (though she is ok at Mario Kart), it’s awful the level of patience you need to get through it….

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m glad you liked it!

      I know what you mean about when people talk about it, smiling and nodding is the way forward. If pushed I can hold a conversation about most Mario games but only because I’ve seen a lot of Let’s Plays of them, or friends playing them, not because I’ve played them myself.

      Did she enjoy playing Sonic? The worst is when they don’t get it and they think it’s bad so even though you don’t want them to keep playing you’re still pretty offended when they don’t enjoy it. Or I am anyway!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. That’s exactly how I feel – you can fake a conversation about Mario as it’s fairly well known. Deep down, I just want to scream “I can’t get past the first world!!!!” I feel like I’m lying to people when I talk classic Mario…but that’s why I blog about games I’m bad at, it’s a another chance to try them again!

        My wife only really understands Tetris and Mario Kart. She probably can’t even remember playing Sonic now. I know what you mean though – it’s hard when you love something and you can’t get a friend or loved one to understand how great it is!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Yeah, we’ll be fine, just keep it under our hats…

        Alternatively, I was thinking of starting a support group, where we all get together twice a month, just to beat the first level of SMB3 repeatedly. We can all cheer each other on, build up our confidence….

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Love this! There are MANY genres I suck at (that’s the basis of my blog), but I’m totally with you on platformers. Like you said, I’m ok with Mario Galaxy, but my attempts at Super Mario World were beyond embarrassing!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. There are quite a few I avoid to be honest because I’m just not very good at them, if there is a lack of RPG elements I tend to be pretty mediocre at best. I guess we all have our strengths and weaknesses! As long as you have fun that’s the main thing! Although I stopped having fun very quickly with Mario to be honest…

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh god I can so relate to this post! I would recommend you try out Super Mario Odyssey though, for the most part it’s not too difficult but there are a few times I had to put my Switch down and take some deep breaths out of frustration.

    Stupid Platformeritis…

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I got my husband a switch for his birthday and we’ve been playing Odyssey all week. I die ALL THE TIME, but it is still really fun. What I like about it, especially with my constant dying, is it only takes 10 coins away from you and starts you back to a close point if you die. So there isn’t much of a penalty.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. The games I struggle with are online shooters. It literally doesn’t matter how long I play, I will always somehow be terrible. There’s too many buttons, too many people, and I pretty much die within 1 minute of spawning. It’s so infuriating!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I spent nearly the entire post laughing out loud to this. This is ME! To a freakin’ T. Not only do you have a knack for humor but it was also hilarious that others suffer just as I do! My husband is phenomenal at platform games and then watches me run into the Goomba (I nearly died from laughter at that picture).

    Thank you for writing this! *clapping*

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Peach and Bowser are meant for each other! I hope one day she finally sees that 🙂

    Platformers aren’t my favourite, but I’ve gotten through a few of them. Not all types of games are for everyone though. Play what you love!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I had to shelve New SMB, too. I just couldn’t hack it, but I was so good at the original games…well I beat 3 and World. I have more trouble with 3D platformers like Odyssey, because my depth perception is awful, but the game is so much fun and so user friendly that it doesn’t really hinder me.

    I don’t like FPS and fighting games are most button mashers for me!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I just cannot get the hang of First Person Shooters. I just generally suck at them. I want to play and enjoy Fall Out so badly but the shooting of enemies even with the awesome assisted targeting system, I get annoyed and quit even though I’d love to do the quests.

    Also, I have NEVER played Legend of Zelda or any other title that contains Link or Zelda. I know the guy is Link… and that about sums up how much I know about it. Makes me ashamed to call myself a gamer to be perfectly honest.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am so hit and miss with first person shooters, I find some, like Fallout, really difficult but then there are some that I enjoy. As long as you enjoy the game and can get through it then that should be Ok!

      Not going to lie, had to take a deep breath after reading your Zelda confession 😛 only because I love those games though! I know a few people that haven’t played Legend of Zelda games though if that makes you feel better about it!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Eh, hubby spends hours in Fallout building settlements and I’m just like blah. But watching him quest and seeing the story unfold is so good. I might just need to suck it up and try again.

        So many people love the Zelda games! And it’s not that I don’t want to love it too, I just have never actively tried to play one. Any suggestions for a first timer?

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Depends on what sort of console you have. If you have a Wii I personally think Wind Waker is the way to go as it’s simply adorable (or Twilight Princess if you want something grittier). If you have a DS I really enjoyed A Link Between Worlds. Everyone says Ocarina of Time and Majora’s Mask are the way forward but I don’t think they would be good ‘first’ games, there’s so much going on in them. Let me know if you play one and enjoy it!

        Liked by 1 person

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